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          WIFE 2.0

 
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications.

 He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be  expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialisation where it can monitor all other  system activity. He's finding that some applications such as  PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to  run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. As a  consequence system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0:

     - A "Don't remind me again" button
     - Minimise button
     - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the     option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
     - An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to have greater use.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many  problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of  Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of.  Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by  now.

To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application  in the system. Another annoying problem - all versions of Girlfriend    continually pop up annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

     ***** BUG WARNING *****
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before executing a self - uninstallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources.

     ***** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *****
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.   Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider  under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT

You must first remove the plastic cover.  By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners.  You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights).  You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter:
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start.  The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted.  This is a simple procedure.  Remove the dinner from the oven and enter
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty.  These are for future menu items.  If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners.  Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost.  This is a feature, not a bug.  Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

'Genuine' Support Problems....

diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

and washing them individually.

responses shouldn't be taken personally.

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!