Jokes General Humour Darwin Awards Computer Humour Office Humour True Stories
General Humour
MISLEADING RIDDLES
1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I?
- A Nose -
2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What am I?
- Peanut Butter -
3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
- A Crane -
4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't a maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open. What am I?
- The Titanic -
5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. What am I?
- A Tent -
6. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
- A Dentist -
7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
- A Wedding Ring -
8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
- An Elevator -
9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?
- Chewing Gum -
10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
- A Newspaper Boy -
11. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
- A Glove -
12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. What am I?
- An Arrow -
13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it. What am I?
- An Attorney -
EURO ENGLISH
The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's govt conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c"..sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!
DRUNK QUOTES
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank SinatraThe problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler YeatsAn intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest HemingwayAlways do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest HemingwayYou're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean MartinDrunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
--AnonymousNo animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
--G.K. ChestertonTime is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine ZandonellaAbstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose BierceReality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
--AnonymousI never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. FieldsBeauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
--AnonymousSir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
--His replyIf God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomaches.
--David DayeWork is the curse of the drinking classes.
--Oscar WildeWhen I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny YoungmanLife is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
--AnonymousI'd rather have a full bottle in front of me, than a full frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--AnonymousWhen we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...--Brian O'Rourke
Analogies you probably won't find in great literature:
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, AL)
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, NY)
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington and Sterling)
She felt used and unwanted, like the two chocolate halves of an oreo cookieafter someone has already licked the cream out of them.
A Glossary of English/German Motoring Terms
Indicators Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
Bonnet (Hood) Die Pullnob und knucklechopper
Exhaust Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
Clutch Die Kulink mit schlippen und schaken
Puncture Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken
Learner Die twatte mit ellplatz
Estate Car Der Bagmerroom furschagginkinauto
Parking Meter Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenqweer
Windscreen Wiper Der Flippenflappen muckenschpredder
Footbrake Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenquick
Gear lever Bigenschticken fur Kangarooshtoppen
Breathalyser Die Puffitintem fur Pistenarsen
Rear View Mirror Der Yokhunter Tucklosen
Seat Belt Der Klunkinklikker Frauleintrapper
Headlights Das Dipperenderdazzlubastad
Exhaust (old cars) Der Kaffenundschpitpolluter
Highway Code Der Wipenfurarsen
Fog Warning Die Puttenfootdownen und fukkit
Traffic jam Die Bluddifukkinnk Dammundblast
Rear Seat Der Schpringentester mit Fraulein
Tyres Flahttfarts
Backfire Der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen
Juggernaut Der Fukkengrett Trucken
Accident Der Bledinmess
Garage Der heiway Robberung
Cyclist Der pedallpushinink Pillocken
Skid Der Banannan Waltzen
Double White Lines Overtaken und Krunchen
Near Accident Der Fukken ner Schittenselfen
The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide
Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.Symptom : Room is spinning.
Fault : Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning.Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Fault : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.Symptom : Lap cool and wet.
Fault : Drooling on yourself.
Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.Symptom : Bar blurred.
Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.Sympton : Bar looks like a circus.
Fault : You're at a circus.
Solution : Go to a bar.Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault : You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!
WHY JIM SMITH LOST HIS FIRST LOVE
Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and after
careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and
bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for
herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. (The sweetheart got
the panties.) Without checking the contents, Jim sealed his package and
sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger
sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears
the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the
lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three week and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she
really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time. No
doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have the
chance to see you again. When you take them off blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.All My Love, Jimmy
P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the latest style
folded down with the fur showing.
My Dog Sex
Usually, everyone who has a dog either calls him Rover or Boy or something.
I call mine "Sex". Well, Sex is a very embarrassing name. One day I took
Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog.
A cop came along and asked me what I was doing in this alley at 4:00 A.M
I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday.One day I went to city Hall to get a dog licence for Sex. The clerk asked
me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a lisence for Sex. He said, "I would
like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." And he said he
didn't care how she looked. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had
Sex since I was two years old." He replied, "You must have been a strong
boy."When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have
Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said,
"But Sex played a big part of my life and my whole lifestyle revolves
around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and
would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and I and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the motel is for
Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." And the clerk said, "Me, too."One day I told my friend that I had Sex on T.V. He said, "Show-off" I told
him it was a contest and he told me I should have sold tickets.When my wife and I seperated we went to court to fight for custody of the
dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." And the Judge
said. "Me, too." When I told him that after I was married Sex left me, he
said, "Me, too."Well, now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more
trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist and she said, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex died and left my life. It's like losing
a best friend and it's so lonely." The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I
both know that Sex isn't man's best friend- So GET YOURSELF A DOG!!!"
Top Tips...
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic
explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting
their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails
to impress the girls.Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up
a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The
possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking
any of them.Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking
gibberish and singing all the time.If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a
stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass
to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at
least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling
them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up
half way through their reply.Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may
find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the
wall.Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your
hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on
every time you want to speak.Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their
lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your
own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of
bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and
telling her.Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get
pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who
looks at you over the fence.Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your
accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel
with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting
casually to the passengers.International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot
James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no
circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the
custody of attractive women in bikinis.KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants.
NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as
well as fun-sized ones for giants.FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an
empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office
jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to
make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances
of getting the job.Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking
thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
HOW TO BE ANNOYING
Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and
insist to others that you "like it that way."Drum on every available surface.
Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for
alt..fetish.hamster.selotape.Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire F.A.C.T copy
warnings.Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Set alarms for random times.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public
consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the
volume properly adjusted.Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of "One Man And His Dog" over climactic parts of rental
movies.Wear your pants backwards.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary
mints by the cash register.Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal
Machine Music".Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole
streets.Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's
roadmaps.Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/OJ
Simpson conspiracy theories.Say to everyone you meet, "Oooooh! You know what I think would be great?" "What?" "Nah, it'd never work." Then decline to ever tell them.
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Leave your indicator light on for fifty miles.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and
repeat.Name your dog "Dog."
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Lick the filling out of all Jammy Dodgers, and place the biscuit parts
back in the tray.Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a
"real hoot."Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that
you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with
a can of Mr. SheenDeliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains,
such as "The Banana Splits" The Dam Busters' or the Russ Abbot's Mad
House theme song.While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being
first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that
people pronounce each A.Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
they slow down.Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people
play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.Wear a LOT of cologne.
Ask to "interface" with someone.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is
necessary because of your "superior mental processing."Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers
in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't
cricket."Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing
awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any
moment.Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your
ears.Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder" and "scan" people with it,
announcing the results.Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal
voice.Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Send people long memos about how to be annoying.
THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES:
During all police investigations it will be necessary to
visit a strip club at least once.All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up
to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the
man lying beside her.The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and
you can travel to any other part of the building you want
without difficulty.Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it
will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent
will do.A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen
at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light
instead.If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man
invulnerable to bullets.If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that
could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for
goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright
and pant.A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with
large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to
go off.When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm
and wisecracks are your best weapons.One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them
than 20 men firing at 1 man..Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be
investigated more closely.If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath.
German bullets are unable to penetrate water.Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings
from international terrorist organizations - even though the job
will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their
own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially
if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating
accident.All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of
software.Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
each other.Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal
damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in
seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a
child trapped inside.You can tell if somebody is British because they will be
wearing a bow tie.When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but
at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the
entire journey.An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will
cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned
down three days before their retirement.If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world
expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely
they will fall in love.Having a job of any kind will make father's forget their son's
eighth birthday.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why
isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
THE BEER PRAYER
Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us of our spillage's,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager.
For ever and ever
BARMEN.
Sexist Section...
10 Things a Woman Will Never Say
1. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being
friends.2. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that
way.3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Hey, get a whiff of that one!
5. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit
are just too cute.6. This diamond is way too big.
7. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
8. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
9. Does this make my butt look too small?
10. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs.
How are women and rocks alike?
You skip the flat ones.Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
Q: How do you piss your wife off while having sex?
A: Call her on the phone!
Q: Why did God invent alcohol?
A: So ugly women could get laid too
Q. What's the definition of Making Love?
A. Something a woman does while a man is Fucking her.
Q: What's the Most intellegent thing to come out of a Woman's
mouth??
A: Einstein's PENIS !!!!
Q: Why don't women fart?
A: Their mouths are never shut long enough to build up any
pressure.
Q: How do you make five pounds of fat attractive?
A: Put a nipple on it.
Q: What's the best thing about receiving oral sex from your
wife?
A: Ten minutes of silence....
Q: What is the definition of "woman"?
A: A life support system for a vagina!
Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller Drive??
A: She was a woman.
Q: How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
A: Her ankles swell up when she farts!
Q: do you know why only 10% of females go to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be pure hell!
Q: Why is a woman like a dog turd?
A: The older they are the easier they are to pick up.
Q: Why are a woman's ass hole and pussy hole so close together?
A: So when she gets too drunk to walk
you can carry her home like a six pack!
Q: Why does NASA always send a woman on shuttle missions?
A: They weigh 25 pounds less than an automatic dishwasher.
Q: What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down?
A: Slap her!!
Q: How do you make a woman have an orgasm?
A: Who cares!
Q: How does a woman hold her liquor?
A: By the ears!!
Q: Why do women wear jumpsuits when they parachute?
A: So they won't whistle like a cider jug all the way down!
Q: Did you know that all babies are born male?
A: They break the penis off all the dumb ones!
Q: How do you fuck an ugly woman????
A: Cum in your hand and throw it at her!!!!
Q: How do you know your girlfriend has bad gas?
A: You find a skunk proposing to one of her farts
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Who cares!!! What is she doing out of the kitchen?
Q: Why do women need legs?
A: Otherwise they would leave snail marks when they moved...
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A: A woman won't accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy!
Q: What does Wayne Gretzky do that Courtny Love doesn't?
A: Shower after three periods....
Q: Why did God make women beautiful?
A: So men would love them.
Q: So why did God make women stupid?
A: So they would love men.Q: Did any of you hear about the Hermaphrodite child born last
week?
A: It was female, and it was intelligent!
Q: What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies
and a women's track team?
A: The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts...
Q: Do you know why Lorena didn't leave the country
after she did what she did?
A: SHE DIDN'T HAVE THE BALLS!!!!
Q: A Woman and a Man jumped out of a plane with no parachutes at the same time.
Who landed first?
A: The guy. The Woman stopped for directions!
One reason that a beer is better than women is that a beer
is always wet.
Q: Why did God give women vaginas?
A: So men would talk to them!
Q: What do marriage and tornadoes have in common?
A: Well, after a lot of sucking and blowing at first,
you still end up losing your house!
Q: What do you do with a woman who doesn't know the difference between a blow job
and a sandwich?
A: Take her out to lunch.
Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: They think we give a shit.
Women Hunters
There were two women hunting in the forest.
After wandering around, they soon get lost.
The brighter one says to the other, shoot into the air,
maybe a plane will see us and send help. no one comes.
A while later, the smarter one tells the other to do it again,
and the other replies, sorry, I'm out of arrows.
19 Sure-Fire Ways To Know You're A Woman:
1. You're a Bitch
2. When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "NO" then
get pissed off when you are believed3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and
loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behaviour4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for
the evening5. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms
so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend
declines because he has pressing business, i.e. You say It's
no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my
parents with me if you are not busy this weekend." when you mean
"It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this
weekend whether or not it is possible!"6. Whine
7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted
from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is
trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as
a past boyfriend9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you
10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you
11. Complain
12. Hate any bar that he likes
13. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything........
except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers,
clothes, etc..........these are required gifts proving his love14. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable
about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress in
your life (also, see number 7)15. Remember that ANY woman who so much as looks at your
boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible16. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about
doing anything other than catering to your needs17. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2
18. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it
is given19. Insert yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering
forthe next month just to rub it in.
DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
Dogs dont cry
Dogs love it when your friends come over
Dogs dont care if you use their shampoo
Dogs think you sing great
A dogs time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink
Dogs dont expect you to call when you are running late
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs
Dogs dont notice if you call them by another dogs name
Dogs are excited by rough play
Dogs dont mind if you give away their offspring
Dogs understand that farts are funny
Dogs love red meat
Dogs appreciate excessive body hair
Anyone can get a good-looking dog
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs dont hate it
Dogs dont shop
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor
A dogs disposition stays the same all month long
Dogs never need to examine the relationship
A dogs parents never visit
Dogs love long car trips
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions
Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it
Dogs likebeer
Dogs dont hate their bodies
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood
Dogs never criticise
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across
Dogs never expect gifts
Its legal to keep a dog chained up at your house
Dogs dont want to know about every other dog youve had
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk,
and the back of your sock draw
Dogs dont let magazine articles guide their lives
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day
Dogs dont borrow your shirts
Dogs never want foot-rubs
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public
Dogs find it amusing when you're drunk
Dogs cant talk
Dogs arent catty
Dogs seldom out live you
HOW DOGS ARE LIKE WOMEN
Both look stupid in hats
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting
Both tend to have hip problems
Neither understands football
Both look good in a fur coat
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say
Neither believe that silence is golden
Both constantly want back rubs
Neither can balance a cheque book
You can never tell what either of them is thinking
Both put too much value on kissing
HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman
Women look better in sweaters
Women leave the room to fart
Though they only have two, women's breasts are far more interesting
There are nine very important men in a woman's life. They are:
Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off."
Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide."
Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?"
Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?"
Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in."
Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue in groove with a little hammering."
Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out, you'll lose interest."
What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
Don't be sexist. Birds hate that.
What is the the fleshy mass surrounding the vagina called?
The woman.
What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Slap the bitch.
Why do women live longer than men?
Someone has to stick around and clean up.
THE MEN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN REALLY WANTS WHEN SHE SAYS....
"We need" = "I want"
"It's your decision " = "The correct decision should be obvious by now."
"Do what you want" = "You'll pay for this later."
"We need to talk" = "I need to complain"
"I'm not upset" = "Of course I'm upset, you moron!"
"You're so... manly" = "You need a shave and you sweat a lot."
"Be romantic, turn out the lights." = "I have flabby thighs."
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = "I want a new house."
"Hang the picture there" = "NO, I mean hang it there!"
"I heard a noise" = "I noticed you were almost asleep."
"Do you love me?" = "I'm going to ask for something expensive."
"How much do you love me?" = "I did something today you're really not going to like."
"I'll be ready in a minute " = "Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V."
"Is my butt fat?" = "Tell me I'm beautiful."
"You have to learn to communicate." = "Just agree with me."
"Are you listening to me!? " = "Too late, you're dead."
"Do you like this recipe?" = "It's easy to cook, so you'd better get used to it."
"I'm not yelling!" = "Yes I am yelling because I think this is important."THE WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN REALLY WANTS...
"I'm hungry." = "I'm hungry."
"I'm sleepy." = "I'm sleepy."
"I'm tired." = "I'm tired."
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."
"Can I call you sometime?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."
"May I have this dance?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."
"Nice dress!" = "Nice cleavage!"
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = "I want to fondle you."
"What's wrong?" = "What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?"
"What's wrong?" = "I guess sex tonight is out of the question. "
"I'm bored." = "Do you want to have sex?"
"I love you." = "Let's have sex now."
"I love you, too." = "Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!"
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = "I liked it better before."
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = "$50 and it doesn't look that much different!"
"Let's talk." = "I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me."
"Will you marry me?" = "I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys."
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = "I am gay."
THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 MaaloxSEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 nappingDRUG
17 pot
25 coke
35 really good coke
48 power
66 coke, a limousine, the company jetDEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slaveHOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 BarbiWHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaserEXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wigFAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shoppingDRUG
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shoppingDEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a manHOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs
Muffy the CatWHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast