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True Stories

GENUINE EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS SENT TO THE COUNCIL
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.
This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
The toilet seat is cracked, where do I stand.
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.
I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Will you please send someone to mend our broken path. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
Would you please repair our toilet, my son pulled the chain and the box fell on his head.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get BBC2.
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it was very uncomfortable for us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5.30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
When I applied for a rebate you said that you would have to take something off. Now that you have taken it off, I have been told that you should have put some on. So will you please take off what you took off and put on what you should have put on when you took it off.
When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips'

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?   What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there
was a victim?
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did!
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

EXCUSES
THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO
TEACHERS IN THE ALBUQUERQUE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BY PARENTS OF STUDENTS:

EXAMS
These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high scool, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. All misspellings, etc are genuine.
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"H2O is hot water, CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulpher, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin, Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts; first inspiration and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like earth, only it is even deader."
"Artificial insemination is when a farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consisits of three parts- the branium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five--a,e,i,o and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of India."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consisits of 8 canines, 8 cuspids, 2 molars, and 8 cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and the moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Many women believe that an Alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."
"Equator: a menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: a nest of youg puppies."
"Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person who is going away."
"Planet: a body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: a large empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: pull the head down over the knees until the heart stops."
"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration."
"For fainting: Rub the persons chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered,then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops into your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

US AIR FORCE COMPLAINTS
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are
problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.
DIVERT COURSE
Believe it or not... this is the transcript of an actual radio
conversation between a US Navy ship and Canadian authorities off the coast
of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by Chief of
Naval Operations 10/10/95.
US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision.
CND Reply: Recommend YOU divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to
avoid a collision.
US: This is the Captain of a US Naval vessel. I say again. Divert your
course.
CND Reply: No, I say again, YOU divert YOUR course.
US Ship: This is the Aircraft Carrier USS Missouri. We are a large
warship of the US Navy. Divert your course NOW.
CND Reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

A Summary of the World
If we could shrink the Earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people. With all existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look like this:
        There would be 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 from the Western
        Hemisphere (North and South) and 8 Africans.
        51 would be female; 49 would be male
        70 would be non-white; 30 white.
        70 would be non-Christian; 30 Christian.

        80 would live in substandard housing.
        70 would be unable to read.
        50 would suffer from malnutrition.
         1 would be near death , 1 would be near birth
        Only 1 would have a college education.
        No one would own a computer

"ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES"

              WHAT A CHOKER...
In Azerbaijan, an 11 year old girl called Matanet fell
asleep in a field after picking tomatoes and woke
up choking. She was rushed to a children's hospital in
Baku and made to drink 3.5 pints of salt
solution, after which she vomited up a two foot long
Caucasian cat snake, which had crawled into
her mouth while she slept. She left hospital an hour later
feeling fine.
              HAZARDS OF XMAS PUDDING
Marie Hefferman was 13 when she celebrated her first
Christmas in Australia after her familyemigrated from
England.Unknowingly, she swallowed a 1959
silver threepenny piece which her mother had put in
the Christmas pudding. She developed laryngitis and lost
her voice six weeks afterwards. Twelve years later, still
unspeaking, she had a coughing fit and brought up a little black
lump which contained the coin. It had been lodged sideways
in her throat and missed by the X- ray machine, but after
speech therapy she was able to talk again - and had acquired
a broad Australian accent in her years of silence.
              SNAKE SNACKS
Wang Biao, a young peasant from north-east China, ate more
than 1,800 live poisonous snakes over two years, to cure himself
of convulsions. The curewas effective, but by then Wang had
become addicted to snakes and needed to swallow one before
every meal.
              RUBBER FOR SUPPER
Chinese health authorities have discovered a woman in her

likes rubber so much that she has eaten 800 rubber nipples
from baby-feeding bottles since 1990. All
her family like the smell of rubber, and her younger
brother is fond of eating rubber bands!
              SNAKES ALIVE!
During the making of the Turkish film Suicide Commando,
tough-guy actor Sonmez Yikilmaz slept in a tent with the
film crew. One night a black snake crawled
into the tent and into Sonmez through his
open mouth. An X-ray proved that the snake was alive in
his stomach, but he refused an operation to remove it.
Instead, he tried out an ancient method of snake removal.
He was hung upside down from a tree with a pot of steaming
milk on the ground below him. The smell of the hot milk
lured the snake out.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the
face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans
off each other's head.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons,
setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the
time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus
and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about
Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied,
only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker
confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later
accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out
for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police
officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the
courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the
copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand
over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the
police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was
arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a
steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard
and brought the vehicle to a stop.

Subject: Great ideas

Results of a contest for "theories" sponsored by Omni magazine.
GRAND PRIZE WINNER
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and
when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered
side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the
back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above
the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed
monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
RUNNERS-UP:
#1
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite
number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun
rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will
eventually produce all the world's great literary works in
Braille.
#2
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the
pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside
your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so
they must yawn to even it out.
#3
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because
they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to
communicate ideas at a faster rate.
#4
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.
Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the
arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall
trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION:
The quantity of consonants in the English language is
constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another.
When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate
southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in
"erl wells."

         Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing
         corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big
         multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and
         cultural differences. For example...
         The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as
         Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not
         discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the
         phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse
         stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched
         40,000 Chinese characters and found a close
         phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely
         translated as "happiness in the mouth."
         In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive
         with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your
         ancestors back from the dead."
        Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin'
        good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
        The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free,"
        got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem,
        you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
        When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South
        America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it
        won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't
        selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the
        Caribe.
        Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The
        company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for
        "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and
        substituted Corcel, which means horse.
        When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its
        ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your p ocket and
        embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish
        word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont
        leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
        An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the
        spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the
        desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the
        Potato."
        Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to
        make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish
        translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on
        billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes
        a hard man to make a chicken aroused."
        Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French
        Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in
        slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name
        problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.
        Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name
        of a notorious porno mag.
        In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the
        name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
        Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it
        entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for
        unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon
        Tourist Company changed its name.
        In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly
        continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was
        devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up
        qualities. Hence the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."