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Jokes
A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.
The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says,
"Give it a shot father".
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.
The fisherman says "Whoa, look at that fucker! "
Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called a fucker!"
Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
Priest: "Look at this big fucker"
Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it for dinner."
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head mother.
Bishop: "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?"
Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"
Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called a fucker!
Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that fucker tonight."
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
Priest:"I caught the fucker!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the fucker!"
Head Mother: "And I cooked the fucker!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a spliff, pours himself a large whiskey and says, "You know, you cunts are alright."
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her
church."Reverend," she said, " I have a problem -- my husband keeps falling
asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?""I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I'll
be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at
specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg with
the pin."In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this,
the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate
sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" cried Mr.
Jones as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are
right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs.
Jones. "God!" cried out Mr. Jones as he was stuck again with the
hatpin."Right again, Mr. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing
his sermon.Before long, Mr. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the
minister did'nt notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he
made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to wake her
husband again. She was just sticking her husband with the hatpin when
the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"Mr. Jones shrieked, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more
time and I'll break it off and shove it up your arse!!!!"
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialized in
parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with
no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can
discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If
you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so.One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at
him and says "Come in and shut the door."The guy says "What's up?"
The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
her right on the lips."The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says "He did??"
The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
on her breasts."The guy says "My God, what happened next???"
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
Bill Clinton is driving up to the White House when he runs over Socks
the cat and kills it stone dead. Next to the cat he finds a lamp. He
rubs it and out comes a genie which grants him a single wish. "Revive
the cat," says Bill. "Sorry," replies the genie, "That's too
difficult." "OK," says Bill, "Make my daughter, Chelsea beautiful."
"Wait a minute," answers the genie, "Let me take another look at that
cat."
A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand. "What's
going on `ere then?" Says a passing policeman. "They stole me bloody
car!" shouts the drunk. "Where did you last see it?" asks the copper.
"On the end of this key!" wails the drunk. The policeman looks him
over and says,"Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of
your trousers?". "Holy shit!" screams the drunk, "They got me
girlfriend too!"
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?
A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants
walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother,
"What's that?" "That's the elephant's tail," she replies. "No, under
the tail," says the youngster. The mother is clearly embarrassed and
says, "Oh, nothing." The boy turns to his father and repeats the same
question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis,
son." "So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy. The father
draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that
woman."
A busload of nuns arrive in heaven and meet St. Peter. To the first
he says "Have you ever touched a penis ?". "Once, with the tip of my
finger" was the reply. "Dip your finger into the holy water, then
enter". The second nun says she once handled a penis. "Dip your
hand in the water, then enter". Suddenly there's jostling at the back.
St. Peter calls out, "What's going on ?". "Well", replies the jostler,
"If I'm going to gargle, I want to do it before Sister Mary sticks her
arse in the water !"
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously,
"Can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come
from?"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a
sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain offerred at this
particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for <other generic proffesion> brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of
brain?"
Q: What is the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog?
A: You can see the asshole in front of you while eating pussy.
A guy had never had sex before, so his buddies set him up with this
whore for a couple of hours. He really had NO clue, and when she sat
down on the bed completely naked, she says, "Do you know what I want?"
He lookes at her and says, "No" and then she lies down on the bed and
starts rubbing her breasts and moaning and she says, "do you know what
I want?" And he says, "No" So then she spreads her legs *wide open* and
starts fingering herself and says, "NOW do you know what I want?" And
he says, "Yeah - you want the whole bed to yourself!"
Q: why doesn't mexico have an olympic team?
A: because anyone who can run jump or swim is already in the US.
Q1. Why has a woman never been sent to the Moon??
A1. Because it doesn't need cleaning!!
Q2. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes??
A2. Nothing, you've told her twice already!!
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He
tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he
heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus
is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked
all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a
parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's
your name?" "Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named
you Clarence?"The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
Virgin Joke
Jill was sitting around with her mum, waiting for a bus, on a
particularly cold day. When Jill started to complain her mother told
her, the way to get warm is to be very lady like put you hands
between you legs so that they can warm up. Jill tried this, and was amazed
at how well it did warm her hands.
A month later Jill and her boyfriend, Paul, were parking at Lover
Leap, when Jill started to feel the cold. Again very lady like she
placed her hands together and put them between her legs. Quite
bewildered her boyfriend asked what she was doing, So Jill explained
how it warms your hands... Fifteen minutes later Paul starts rubbing
his hands together and complaining about the cold... Jill gently
takes his hands and very lady like places them between her legs.
Ten minutes later Paul starts rubbing his nose saying how cold it felt.
After a short time Paul complains how his penis is so cold it has
gone stiff......
The next morning Jill's mother asks how she coped with the cold
night. To which she replied, that she was fine however those penises sure
do make a mess when they thaw out..
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he
could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's
father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the
house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until
Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. His
father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry
about that. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, Johnny was seen walking out of
the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father
asked him why he was leaving. Johnny said, "Yesterday I
was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you
were pulling out, and mummy said that you should wait
because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck
with an $80,000 mortgage!"
Four guys have been golfing together for years. Throughout
the years, they have discussed various aspects of their lives,
with one exception: they never talk about their sons. This is
because one of the men has a son who is a flaming,
out-of-the-closet homosexual, and the other men don't want
to make him feel bad. One week, however, the man with the gay son is late to the
country club, so the other three are sitting around the table
and inevitably start talking about their sons.
"My son the Mercedes salesman," says one, "has been
doing so well lately that last week, he tells me, he GAVE a
friend of his a brand new Benz!"
"Ah, that's nothing," says the second one, "My son, the
marina owner, has been so successful lately that last week
he gave one of his friends a brand new speedboat!"
"MY son," says the third, "has done so exceptionally well in
the real estate market, that last week he gave a friend of his
a whole HOUSE!"
Just then the fourth man walks in and the other three turn
dead silent. The man sits down with them and says, "You
know, I never thought my son would amount to anything.
But then, just last week, his three lovers gave him a new
Mercedes, a speedboat and a house!"
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car
breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend
the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room
available.
Priest: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the
circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll
sleep on the lounge and you can have the bed."
Nun: "I think that would be okay."
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.
Ten minutes later...
Nun: "Father, I'm terribly cold."
Priest: "Okay, I'll get you a blanket." (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."
Priest: "Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket." (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: "Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind
if we acted as man and wife just for this one night."
Priest: "You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket."
Golf Lessons
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them is
playing as well as they want to, so they decide to take lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no,
You are gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?"
asks the man."Hold the club gently," the pro replies, "just like
you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing,
and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. After the pro watches
her swing, he says, "NO, no, no, you're gripping the club way too
hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just
like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully
to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight
down the fairway, about 35 feet. "That was great," the pro says, "Nice
and gentle. Now take the club out of your mouth and swing it like
you're supposed to."
There's this guy in hospital for chronic incontinence of the bowel,
i.e., the poor guy can't stop crapping, and what's worse is when it
comes it rancid and fluid (really embarrassing if your in public and
really smelly if your in a small toilet).Its Christmas eve & the nurse tells him if he can make it through the
night without messing the bed hell get a packet of his favourite fags
for xmas. The guy's really pleased about this and the nurse gives him
some water and flour to help still his bowel.Things are going well, but come about midnight whell all is quiet, his
bowels erupt!
Fortunately because of the gluey fluid the nurse gave him, his shit
is although plentiful is solid and in small roundish lumps. So to save
his embarrassment and gain a welcome pack of fags, he scoops handfuls
of these and throws them out of the bed and across the room.Next morning, the nurse sees that the bed is clean (despite a small
smell) and reward him with a packet of his favourite fags. He's pretty
chuffed with himself and offers them around to other patients on the
ward. On offering them to the guy on the opposite bed he gets the
reply "No thanks, I don't want them if their anything like those
Maltesers you were chucking around last night!"
There's these two old ladies in hospital at opposite ends on
the same ward .
one waves at the other and the other waves back acknowledgingly.
the first one mouths ethel pointing to her self.
the second one mouths the reply Mary pointing at herself.
the first one then mouths 85 and points to herself
the second one does the same and mouths 86
the first one then mouths cancer pointing at herself
and the second old lady mouths Libra pointing to herself
In the beginning, when God was creating the human race, he lined up all the
males on one side and all the females on the other.
Then He asked "Which of your species would like to pee standing up?"
Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.
"Fine" said God. "Women get multiple orgasms."
A guy moves into an apartment complex. He's putting his name on his
mailbox when he hears a door open in the hall. He glances
towards the door and sees a gorgeous woman dressed only in a bathrobe
come out. He tries not to look at her as she gets her mail,
but she engages him in conversation. As they talk she turns to look
down the hall and her robe opens slightly and he notices she is
wearing only the robe. They talk a little more, and she says, "Shhh, I
think I hear somebody coming. Could we continue this
conversation in my apartment?" He agrees to this. As they talk in her
apartment, she moves and her robe falls to the floor and he
gets a good eyeful. She then says, "Now that you've had a good look,
what do you think is the best part of my body?" He says,
"Your ears." She replies, "My ears? Look at these breasts, look at this
butt, look at my pussy. How can you say my ears?" He
replied, "Remember in the hall when you said you heard somebody coming.
That was me!"
An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get talking. They are
enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to
continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty
romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterwards, they're both laying there, staring at
the ceiling. The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I
would have been more careful with her."
The old lady is thinkin... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I
would have taken off my panties."
I was talking to a man at a bar the other day who looked depressed.
I asked him what was wrong, and he proceeded to tell me that he had
found his wife in bed with his best friend.
"What did you do?" I asked. "I beat the shit out of my old lady!" he
said.
"What did you do to your best friend?" I asked. "I drug his ass
outside, and said BAD DOG, BAD DOG!"
A man and a woman finally decide to get married. When she's moving her
belongings into their new home, the husband sees a big trunk with a
padlock on it. He asks his new bride what she keeps in the trunk, and she just
says she'll tell him later, when she can trust him more. 30 years of
marriage go by, the husband once more asks his wife what is in the trunk. He tells her
that since they've been married for so many years now she should be able to
trust him. She says ok & unlocks the trunk.Inside there are 2 ears of corn & $25,000. He asks her why the 2 ears
of corn are in the trunk. She replies that every time during their 30 years of
marriage that she had cheated on him, she placed an ear of corn inside the
trunk. He thought to himself...well, 30 years, 2 ears of corn, she's only cheated
on me twice...that's not too-o-o-o... bad.Ok...he asks...what's with the $25,000???
She says...every time I got a bushel of corn, I sold it!
Q. What does Hillary Clinton do in the morning after she shaves her
pussy?
A. She straightens his tie and sends him of to work.
James knew his 15-year-old brother Danny was a virgin and he decided to
get his hot girlfriend Amber to deflower the youngster gently. James took
his brother and girlfriend to a nearby hotel and got two rooms.
He told Danny "look kid, I know you're nervous, but I'll be in the room
next door, so if you have any questions, just call out and I'll help you."
So Amber took the anxious Danny into the hotel room and tried to get
him to relax.
"I tell you what, Danny," she said. "Why don't you take a nice hot
shower to get relaxed and when you're done I'll have one too and then we can get
started." Danny agreed and entered the bathroom to begin showering.
But Danny took a long time and Amber soon, had to take a shit. She
pounded on the locked door of the bathroom, but Danny couldn't hear her because
of the running water. Finally, she could wait no longer. She had to take a
dump in a shoebox in the closet and, after cleaning herself up with some
tissue, she placed the shoebox near the bathroom door so she could dispose of it
when
Danny came out.
A few minutes later, Danny came out of the shower, looking a little
less worried and Amber entered the bathroom to take her turn.
While Amber was showering, Danny decided to explore the room and soon
found the shoebox full of shit.
He yelled "Goddamn, there's shit in here!"
Next door, his brother yelled back "turn her over!"
A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She
was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In
hopes to find a solution to her problem, she decided it was time to see a
doctor. Looking through the phone book, she came apon a Chinese doctor (sex
therapist) named Dr Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and he said,
"Take off all your crothes and crawl real fass away from me across the
froor".She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr.Chang said,
"Now....you crawl real fass back to me",and she did.Dr.Chang shook his
head and said,"You haf real bad case of Zachary Disease..... worse case I
ever see!
That why you haf sex probrem".
The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what
Zachary Disease was and he replied...
"Zachary Disease....that when you face rook ZACHARY rike your ass!"
A man walks into the doctors office for his appointment... when the
doctor comes to see him, he asks, "Whats the problem?" The man pulls down his
pants and and shows the doc that he has an orange dick...
Amazed at what he sees, the doctor runs a series of tests and the
results show that the man has no type of sickness. The doctor asks,"Do you work in a
place that is exposed to any chemicals?"
"No, I don't work" he says.
The doc asks, "Then what do you do all day?"
The man responds, "I sit at home, watch porno movies and eat cheetos."
A little guy walks into a bar and slips on some dog shit on the way in.
He knocks over a couple of chairs, then stands up, dusts himself down and
sits at the bar and orders a beer.A while later a big guy walks in and slips on the same dog shit and wipes out a table and 5 chairs, stand up cursing out loud and walks to the bar and
sits next to the little guy and orders a beer. The little guy laughs and says " I
just did that".
The big guy then beat the shit out of him.
This trucker stoped to get gas & something to eat. He saw a sign in the
window
"contest:win $1,000,000" he ask the clerk about it and he said
"go downstairs and in the basement there is an aligator with a bad tooth; pull it.
then go upstairs and in the first door on the right there is an old lady in
there; fuck here until she moans the come down here and get the money"
The trucker said "OK" and went downstairs and about a half an hour
later he comes up bloody and beaten and said "now where's the old lady with a
bad tooth?"
One morning a husband awoke and decided he wanted to go duck hunting.
He woke his wife and told her, "You have three choices, either go duck
hunting with me, let me fuck you up the ass, or give me a blow job. I
have to run out get the dog, and load up the truck.
You had better decide by the time I get back." He returned after a
while, and said to his wife, "Well, what have you decided to do?" To which she
replied, "Well, I sure don't want to go duck hunting, and I'm sure the hell not
going to let you fuck me up the ass, so I guess I'll give you a blow job." She
begins to suck on his dick, and all the sudden stops and begins spitting and
choking. He said to her, "What's the problem?" And she replied, "SHIT! My god, your
dick tastes like shit!" He replied, "Oh yeah, the dog didn't want to go
duck hunting either."
This Famous German wrestling champion perfected what he called the
"Pretzel Hold". This hold was famous for incapacitating anyone he would
apply the hold to.A huge match against the American Wrestling Champion was scheduled to
begin shortly, and as the american and his coach were preparing, the
american's coach set him down to talk."Bill," he said, "whatever you do, don't let the German throw that
awful pretzel hold on you, you might not survive it." "Sure thing, Coach" the
american replied.The match began and as soon as the bell sounded, the German ran accross
the ring and immediatly threw the american into the dreaded pretzel hold!
The American Coach was frantic! He ran around the ring and finnaly found a
towel to throw in to stop the match, when to his amazement, the american was
up and wrestling again! The match went on and the American was victorious.Afterwards, the coach had to ask "Bill, how in the hell did you get out
of that pretzel hold, nobody has ever gotten out of that hold!" Bill replies
"Well coach, when I was all tangled up with that German, I saw this pair of
balls hanging in front of my face, so I just bit down on them with all my
might and you know, It's amazing how fast you can move when you bite your own
balls!"
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby
delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that
would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked
if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10
percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the
doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to
20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor
checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he
was doing.At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to
feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably,
he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife
delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
A policeman drives by a bar late one night, after closing time, and
notices two male patrons, obviously drunk, lying on the sidewalk in front of the
establishment. When he parks the squad car and approaches, he notices
that one of the men has his finger up the other ones exposed ass. When the
policeman asks just what is going on, the owner of the finger states,
"My friend here is very drunk and I'm trying to make him throw up". The
policeman informs the fellow that normally you would make someone throw
up my putting a finger into his throat, not his ass! to which the drunk
replies,
"When I put this finger down his throat, I guarantee you he WILL throw
up!"
Two condoms standing outside a gay bar. The first condom says to the
second,
"Hey wanna go in and get shit faced."
This baby is born and immediately runs out of the delivery room and
into the waiting room were all the expected fathers are. He walks up to the
first guy and asks "Are you my daddy"? The guy answers "No i'm not". Baby walks
up to the next guy and asks "Are you my daddy"? Guy answers "No i'm not".
Baby walk up to the third guy and asks "Are you my daddy"? The guy
answers "Yes I am". Baby says "Come here" As the guy bends foward
towards the baby, the baby begins tapping him on the forehead with his
index finger and asks "How do you like it".
Q. What do you call two Irish gays?
A. Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick!
I smoked when i was married, i tried anything to shave a few years of
miserable life.
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man
of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I
wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
A doctor, a lawyer & a priest go on a cruise. The ship hits a reef and
starts to sink.
The doctor yells "Women and children first!!!"
The lawyer yells "Fuck the children!"
The priest yells "Can we??"
Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom.
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.
What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers? Well-hung.
Q: Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant?
A: Because Ken comes in a different box.
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About eight pints.
Q. What has a bunch of balls and screws old ladies?
A. A bingo
After saving for many years a bachelor finally is able to buy a small
piece of land up in the hills of Arkansas where he will build a cabin. After
months of building he is finally finished. As he sits on the front porch admiring
his work he hears a noise in the bushes. An old smelly hillbilly emerges from
the brush and speaks to him.
"Say there, 'been a'watchin' you build that cabin for quite a spell.
Finally got'er finished, huh?"
"Um, yes. I think I'll like it here, too."
"SHORE ya will! In fact, now that you're finished, howzabout we throw
you a little party?"
The man is skeptical, but asks "So, what will be happening at this
party?"
"Well," the hillbilly replies, "There'll be a whole lot of drinkin', a
whole lot of cussin', a whole lot of fightin', and a whole lot of fuckin'!"
"Hmmm, sounds ok. But what would one wear to this party?"
"What you got on is fine, seein' as how it's just going to be YOU and
ME!"
Q: What's the difference between a microwave oven and anal sex?
A: A microwave oven doesn't brown your meat!
Q: What is the difference between a blond and a washing machine?
A: You don't have to talk to the washing machine after you drop your
load in.
Q: How do you keep a chihuahua from humping on your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.
A short thin old man walks into a bar. He sits between two 7 ft men who
look strong as bulls. He looks at one of them challenging.. "What you lookin’
at.... I slept with your mother yesterday" then he looks right to the other man
and says "And the day before fucked your mother" Then he yells "and on
Tuesday she gave me a blowjob" and then he says to the other man "yeah... and
your mother gave me blowjob too" At this point the two strong men get up and
grab the old man by one arm each and when it seems theyll tear him apart one
of them says "Dad, let’s go home... you’ve had enough to drink.."
A guy goes to see his Doctor and says that he has a lot of trouble sleeping
because of a recurring dream. The Doctor notes that he looks pale and has
bags under his eyes and asks him about the dream.The guy says that it is always the same, he dreams that he wakes up in bed and there are 2
beautiful naked women trying to pull off the bed clothes and his PJ's, and he
keeps pushing them away. He says that he would like an anasthetic so
that..... The Doctor cuts him off and says "no, no. I suggest a change of diet
and...." the guy cuts in and says that he really wants an anasthetic and.... The Doc
says that as he seems so desperate some new pills he has may do the trick.
The guy says "Just shut up and give me an anasthetic and then break my fucking
arms".
There are 3 guys sitting around a campfire. It's very late so they go
to bed.
The first guy wakes up and says
"I had the weirdest dream. I dreamed that someone was pulling on my
dick."
The second says "That's funny, I had a dream someone was pulling on my
dick too."
The third guy says " Well my dream beats both of yours. I had a dream
that I went skiing."
A man rings his wife from hospital and says don't worry but i have had an
accident. I got my finger caught in a machine at work and i have lost
my finger. his wife replies "what your hole finger !" man replies "No the
one next to it !"
Q. What4s the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. The whore does it with every guy around and the bitch does with
every guy around but YOU #
General Custer is in his last stand. There's only him left and the indians are closing in.
In frustration he kicks at an old bottle and to his amazement a genie pops out.
This genie is fed up with granting the usual 3 wishes so he decides to have a laugh with the general.
"Hello there. I'm a genie. I can grant you any wish you so desire!" He says.
"Oh great! Thank god. You're going to save my life" Replies Custer triumphantly.
"Before you wish, however, I must warn you. Whatever you wish for the indians get two of."
This wipes the smile off Custer's face much to the genie's amusement.
"So," muses the General, "If I ask for a gun, the indians get two?"
"Yip!" Comes the reply.
"...and if I wish for a horse, I can't get away because they will all have two horses."
"Yip!" Laughs the genie.
"Well." Says Custer, "I'll just have a glass eye then please."
A Cowboy and his Horse
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp
to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we
sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of
third day, you die. What is first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see
my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and
whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off
the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at
each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" The cowboy
says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The
cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear,
then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a
naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The
Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die
tomorrow and can only think of one thing."The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white
man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The
indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears,
twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it!
This guy goes to a grocery store and asks the clerk behind the counter for two cans of dog food.
"Do you have a dog?" asked the clerk.
"Yes, I do!" replied the puzzled customer.
"I'm sorry, sir," said the clerk, "but you're going to have prove to me that you have dog before I can sell you dog food."
Back home went the frustrated customer to get his dog and pulled it on its leash all the way back to the store.
"Here's my dog!" weezed the tired customer.
"Thank you, sir, here is your two cans of dog food."
Two days later the guy returns to the same store and goes up to the same clerk and says:
"Two cans of cat food please."
"Do you have a cat, sir?"
"Of course, I do!" said the exasperated customer.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I have to see your cat before I can sell you cat food."
The guy storms out of the store, goes home, grabs his cat, drags it
back to the store and holds up the cat by it's tail for the clerk to see.
"Thank you, sir, here is your two cans of cat food."
The very next day, the guy returns to the store, approaches the clerk
and places on the counter a white shoebox with a small hole on the cover.
"Yes, sir," asked the clerk, "what can I do for you?"
"Put your finger in the hole," ordered the customer.
"I beg your pardon?" said the clerk.
"Do as I say!" ordered the guy.
Cautiously the clerk slid his finger all the way in the hole.
"Pull it out and tell me what it looks like!" said the guy.
"It looks like SHIT!" said the disgusted clerk, to which the customer replied:
"THAT'S RIGHT!! Now give me two rolls of toilet paper!"
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The
bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but
I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal!
I have a question though, why is your head so small?"The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many
times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the
woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it
was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream.So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn
into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make
sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned
into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny
115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold
Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there
I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing
there naked!She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily
at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love
with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and
beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our
glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do
have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied,
"How about a little head?"
A man and his wife have been stranded on a deserted island for
many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the
wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realize certain
protocols must be observed.The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there.
"Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in
the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."The new man is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do
the first shift. He climbs up the tower and is soon standing watch.
Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle to make
a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no
fucking!"They yell back, "We're not fucking!" A few minutes later they start
to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells
down, "Hey, no fucking!" Again they yell back, "We're not fucking!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to
patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said
no fucking!" They yell back, "We're not fucking!!"Finally the shift is over so the second man climbs down from the
tower and the husband starts to climb up. He's not even halfway up
before the wife and second man are screwing each other's brains
out. The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun.
From up here it DOES look like they are fucking ! "
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark
forest.After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I
wish I had a flashlight."The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past
ten minutes!"
What did the priest say to the nun when he screwed her?
"The holy pole is in your hole so wet your ass and save
your soul."
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going
into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He
reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly
woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next
cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly
easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success,"
she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time,
was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to
success," she uttered.As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought
to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the
next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Fuck
me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling
man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud,
there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing
around his head."Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
I'll Do Anything...
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an
exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so
striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The
young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly
toward him.Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young
woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you
want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman
replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three
words."The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet
from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed
into the young woman's hand.He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my
house."
There were two Irishmen chatting one day about their wives......
My wife is so stupid, she went out last week and bought a £15,000 car.
She hasn't even got a driving licence !That's nothing. My wife is so stupid, she went on holiday with the girls the other week,
bought £25 worth of Durex. She hasn't even got a dick !
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a holiday. He booked
himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his
life -- at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship
went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on
the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing.
Only bananas and coconuts.Used to five-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the
next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his
old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the
corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous
woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.In disbelief, he asked her: ``Where did you come from? How did you get
here?''``I rowed from the other side of the island,'' she said. ``I landed
here when my cruise ship sank.''``Amazing,'' he said, ``I didn't know anyone else had survived. How
many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up
with you.''``It's only me,'' she said, ``and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing
did.''He was confused, ``Then how did you get the rowboat?''
``Oh, simple,'' replied the woman. ``I made it out of raw material
that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree
branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and
stern came from a eucalyptus tree.''``But, but, that's impossible,'' stuttered the man. ``You had no tools
or hardware -- how did you manage?''``Oh, that was no problem,'' the woman said. ``On the south side of
the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I
found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it
melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used
the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you
live?''Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach
the whole time.``Well, let's row over to my place, then,'' she said. After a few
minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man
looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.As they walked into the house, she said casually, ``It's not much, but
I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?''``No, no, thank you,'' he said, still dazed. ``I can't take any more
coconut juice.''``It's not coconut juice,'' the woman replied. ``I have a still. How
about a pina colada?''Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat
down on her couch to talk.After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, ``I'm
going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take
a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the
bathroom.''No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There
in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed
to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel
mechanism.``This woman is amazing,'' he mused. ``What next?''
When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but vines --
strategically positioned -- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckoned for him to sit down next to her.``Tell me,'' she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, ``We've
been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something
you've been longing for all these months? You know . . . ''She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing: ``You mean . . . ,'' he
replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?''
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese
detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might
develop. A few days later, he received this report:Most honarable sir:
You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree - look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.
What do a fur trapper and a necrophiliac have in common???
They are both looking for dead beaver!!
A man goes into a chemist's and starts talking to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks the guy if he has seen the shop's newest
product, The Artificial Vagina.The man doesn't believe the pharmacist so the pharmicist takes one out from behind the counter and shows it to him.
"Bloody hell! It looks just like one"
"Give it a real test, just smell it."
"Wow! It smells just like one!"
"A final test just feel it."
"I can't believe it, it feels just like a real one, I'll buy it!"
"Should I wrap it up?"
"No, I'll eat it here."
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man
in a turban came oozing out.He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish."
And I said, "No shit!"
Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh
hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-
swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the
guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best
sex I had in years. I wonder how the girls are doing?"
What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they
go down on you.
Q: How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?
A: It's all tongue in groove, with no studs
A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a
massive crush on Brigette Bardot. To win back his attentions, she
goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed to her Boobs.
The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make
this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her ass
instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each
buttock.When her husband gets home from work that night,
she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her
dress to expose the artwork. "What do you think?" the wife says.
"Uh, who the hell is Bob?" the husband replies.
A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.
He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway,
saying to himself,
"Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"
Q: Two vans were racing from L.A. to San Francisco one filled with
lesbians and the other filled with gays. Who got there first and why?
A:The lesbians did because they were doing 69 the whole way while
the gays were still at home packing their shit.
A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South.
He got a ride from a mean-looking redneck trucker. After riding
about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you
going to ask me?" "Ask you what?" replied the trucker.
"If I'm a boy or a girl," answered the youth. "Don't matter,"
replied the trucker. "Gonna fuck ya anyway."
Obviously sounded funnier when he said it but still good....
Classic Tommy Cooper
"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library
and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh?' and everyone just stares at you. But you do
the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your
trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people
were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy
an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start
with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain
amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To
camp?', I said butchly! 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I
also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said campily! 'Make your mind up.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He
said "My dog's died.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one
I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and
said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling
from.'"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip
outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang
up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking inthe air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so god can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great", said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mum today!" "What do mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mum flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming, and if it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"----------------------
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless,
was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started
swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them with his
temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment
of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and
soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father
again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for
you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got
jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She
began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.
Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing
there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her,
daddy, or do you want me to?"----------------------
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the
night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and
thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even
react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your
back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable
questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.
Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts
moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part
where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"---------------------------------
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked. "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game!"---------------------------------
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"-------------------------------
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"-------------------------------------
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he
peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into
his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking
himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"-------------------------------
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the
Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they
understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So
he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!
He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he know this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"---------------------
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God".
The teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand.
The little boys says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God
is all about love."
"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought, "I'm not gonna like this.
Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says. "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied,
"Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had
her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"
A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business
meeting. When he arrived at his motel, he found he had a lot of time
before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course
from the clerk.While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending
speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking
around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her,
explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was
playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind
me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to
his golf.On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her
again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a
hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked
her and returned to his play.He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the
lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew
the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the
course often.He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation
for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in
sales also. What do you sell?"She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No I wouldn't."
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper
salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York with
2000 yen and walked out with $72.00. The following week he walked inwith 2000 yen and was handed back $66.00.
He asked the teller why he got less money this week than he did the
previous week."Fluctuations," the lady said.
The man turned on his heel and stormed toward the door. But just as
he reached it he turned back around, shook his fist at the teller, and
shouted, "Fluc you Americans too!"
A man went into a pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy
a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggested a faithful
dog.The man replied, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner countered, "How about a cat?"
The man replied, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I
want a pet that can do everything!"The shop owner thought for a minute, then said, "I've got it! A
centipede!"The man said, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing
everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He took the centipede
home and said to the it, "Clean the kitchen."Thirty minutes later, he walked into the kitchen and... it was
immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and
put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the
floor waxed. He was absolutely amazed.He said to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walked into the living room. The carpet
had been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on
the sofa plumped; even the plants were watered.The man thought to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've
ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" Next he
said to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a
newspaper."The centipede walked out the door. 10 minutes later...
no centipede.20 minutes later... no centipede.
30 minutes... no centipede.By this point the man is wondering what had happened. The centipede
should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later...
still no centipede!He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run
away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is his centipede? So he
went to the front door, opened it... and there's the centipede sitting
right outside.The man said, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45
minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"The centipede said, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on
my shoes!"