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Office Humour
Drinking at Work
While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy :-
BEST EXCUSES IF YOU GET CAUGHT ASLEEP IN YOUR POD AT WORK
you sent me to.
paradigm!
mandatory seminar you made us attend.
problem.
Human Resources Memo RE: Bad Language
It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to the complaints from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will not be tolerated. We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list
code phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas / information can continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive co-workers.OLD PHRASE / NEW PHRASE
The New Employee Interview
Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are
doing.If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
And if they've left early, put them in Sales.
The Three Biggest Lies
The program's fully tested and bugfree.
We're working on the documentation.
Of course we can modify it.
As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose any files.
&nb sp; We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
The new machines on order.
We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
People are our greatest resource.
We say 'let the marketplace decide'.
We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
The boss is just one of the guys.
Staying small is a conscious decision.
Immediate delivery?...No problem.
We treat every customer as if they were our most important.
We're going out to lunch to talk business.
Office Slang
Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project
failed and who was responsible.Body Nazis - hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles.
Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one's own name.
Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity "Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."
Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake.
Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.
Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists." Uninstalled - euphemism for being fired.
Xerox subsidy - euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a workplace.
Excuses For Missing Work
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
My step mother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead.
New Taxation Department Guidelines
To: All Male Employees
From: IRS Service Center
RE: Notice of increase in tax paymentsThe only thing the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependants and they are both nuts. Effective January 1, 1997 your penis will be taxed according to size.
The categories are as follows:
10 - 12 inches Luxury Tax $30.00
8 - 10 Pole Tax $25.00
5 - 8 Privilege Tax $5.00
4 - 5 Nuisance Tax $3.00Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
IRS.
Resumes That Didn't Work
*Compiled from actual resumes by Robert Half International*
I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.
Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
My goal is to be meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a job.
Marital status: often. Children: various.
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
Finished eighth in my class of ten.
References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
PRISON LIFE VS FULL-TIME JOB
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
SHIT: Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
We are trying to give employees more SHIT than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of SHIT on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediatelyplaced at the top of the SHIT list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the SHIT you can handle.
Employees who don't take their SHIT will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (DEEP SHIT). Those who fail to take DEEP SHIT seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (EAT SHIT).
Since our managers took SHIT before they were promoted, they don't have to do SHIT anymore, and are all full of SHIT already. If you are full of SHIT, you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (BULLSHIT). Those who are full of BULLSHIT will get the SHIT jobs, and can apply for promotionto Director of Intensity Programming (DIP SHIT).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (HOT SHIT).
Thank you,
Boss In General,
Special High Intensity Training,
(BIG SHIT)
Quotes Taken From Actual Performance Reports:
Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this associate to breed.
This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.
This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Employer Speak:
Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend
Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self-Starter: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
Self-Motivated: Management won't answer questions
Casual Work Atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Competitive Environment: We have a lot of turnover.
Some Public Relations Required: If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it..
Duties Will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Career-Minded: We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.
Seeking Candidates With a Wide Variety of Experience: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
Problem-Solving Skills a Must: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.
Ability To Handle A Heavy Workload: You whine, you're fired.
Flexible Hours: Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.
APPLICANT SPEAK
"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE 0RGANIZATION:" I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask me about all theMcJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.
"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.
"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.
"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college dropout.
"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of sexual harassment.
"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away!
"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me "for my interest and wishing me luck in myfuture career.
Notice to All Employees:
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department,unproductive time isn't a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with affair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.
Thank you.
The Management